In any relationship, there is a natural give and take between partners. However, when one partner starts keeping score, it can create an unhealthy dynamic. “Keeping score” refers to mentally tracking who is doing more, whether it’s emotional support, chores, or sacrifices. If your partner is secretly keeping score, it can lead to feelings of resentment, imbalance, and dissatisfaction in the relationship. Here are some signs to look out for that may indicate your partner is keeping score without openly discussing it.
1. They Remind You of Past Favors or Sacrifices If your partner frequently brings up past good deeds or sacrifices they’ve made for you, it could be a sign they are keeping score. This might sound like, “Remember when I stayed up all night to help you with that project?” or “I let you pick the movie last time, so it’s your turn now.” These reminders can be subtle, but they suggest that your partner is tallying up who has done more in the relationship and expects a “payback.”
2. They Keep Track of Small Acts When your partner notices and calls out even the smallest things you’ve done for them, it could signal that they are tracking contributions. While it’s natural to appreciate each other’s efforts, someone who is keeping score might point out things like who does the dishes, who buys gifts, or who plans dates in a way that feels like they’re adding up a list of favors.
3. They Expect Something in Return If your partner frequently expects something in return for their actions, even when you haven’t asked for it, it could indicate they are keeping score. For example, they may buy you a gift and then expect you to reciprocate in some way, whether emotionally or materially. This creates an imbalance in the relationship, where one partner feels entitled to something just because they gave something.
4. They Resent Your Needs or Requests A partner who is keeping score may become resentful when you ask for help or support, especially if they feel like they’ve already “done enough.” They may react with frustration or irritation, saying things like, “I’ve already helped you so much, why can’t you do this on your own?” This kind of response suggests that they see their contributions as finite and feel burdened by additional requests.
5. They Use Guilt to Get What They Want If your partner uses guilt to manipulate or influence your decisions, this may be a sign that they are keeping score. For example, they may say, “I let you have your way last time, so now you owe me,” or “After everything I’ve done for you, the least you can do is this one thing.” This tactic is often used when one person is keeping mental notes of past interactions and trying to get something in return.
6. They Become Defensive When You Bring Up Imbalances When you try to discuss any imbalance or concerns in the relationship, a partner who is keeping score may become defensive rather than open to a healthy conversation. They might respond with, “I’ve done so much for you already, how can you say that?” This defensiveness is a way of deflecting responsibility for the imbalance and avoiding any conversation that could expose their hidden score-keeping.
7. They Are Quick to Bring Up the “Fairness” Issue Fairness is important in any relationship, but when your partner consistently brings up fairness, it may be a sign they’re keeping track of who has done more. They may say things like, “It’s not fair that you don’t help me as much” or “I always give, and you never give back in the same way.” While fairness is key, these comments can feel more like accusations and score-keeping rather than a healthy discussion about needs.
8. They Withhold Affection or Support Based on Past Actions A partner who is secretly keeping score might withhold affection, attention, or support as a way of “balancing the books.” If you’ve had an argument, for example, they might hold back affection or avoid offering help, subtly punishing you for what they perceive as a lack of reciprocity. This creates emotional distance and can be damaging to the relationship over time.
9. They Compare Your Relationship to Others If your partner frequently compares your relationship to others—whether it’s friends or family members—saying things like, “Why don’t you do what so-and-so does for their partner?” it could indicate they’re measuring your efforts against someone else’s, as if there’s an ongoing tally of who is doing more. This can create insecurity and pressure in the relationship, making you feel like you’re being constantly judged.
10. They Are Unwilling to Compromise When one partner is keeping score, they may be less willing to compromise in situations where both partners need to make concessions. They might say things like, “I’ve already done enough, now it’s your turn,” or “Why should I give in again?” This stance reflects an unwillingness to meet halfway, and can hinder effective communication and problem-solving.
How to Address Score-Keeping If you suspect your partner is keeping score, the first step is to open a candid, non-judgmental conversation about the issue. Try to express your feelings and encourage your partner to share their perspective. A healthy relationship should be built on mutual respect, open communication, and a sense of equality—not tallying up actions for future payback. Encourage the idea that love, support, and effort should come freely, without the expectation of something in return.
In conclusion, if you notice these signs, it’s important to address them before they create lasting issues in your relationship. Open communication, understanding, and mutual respect can help ensure both partners feel valued and supported, without the pressure of keeping score.
