Assertiveness is a skill that takes practice. It may always be easier for you to swallow your feelings, scream at someone or give them the silent treatment. But assertiveness is a better strategy. It works because it respects you and others. When you don’t speak up for what you need or want, over time you feel increasingly diminished and powerless. Other people see this, and they lose respect for you, take advantage of you, or simply ignore you. Learn the few tricks below.
1. Define The Meaning Of Assertive.
Assertive means disposed to or characterized by bold or confident statements and behavior. Being assertive is far different from being aggressive. You have opinions, feelings, attitudes, and rights, and it is perfectly normal and acceptable to express those, even if the other person reacts negatively. Remind yourself that assertiveness is not only an acceptable behavior, it’s a desirable one.
2. Start Small.
You wouldn’t try to scale a mountain before reading a manual, practicing on a rock wall and then moving on to bigger peaks. Going in unprepared just sets you up for failure. Try to be assertive in mildly tense situations, such as requesting to be seated at a different spot at a restaurant. Then gently work up to tougher situations such as talking to your partner about infidelity issues.
3. Learn To Say No.
People worry that saying no is selfish. It’s not. Rather, setting healthy limits is important to having healthy relationships.
4. Let Go Of Guilt.
Being assertive can be tough — especially if you’ve been passive or a people pleaser most of your life. The first few times it can feel unnerving. But remember that being assertive is vital to your well-being.
5. Express Your Needs And Feelings.
Don’t assume that someone will automatically know what you need. You have to tell them. Again, be specific, clear, honest and respectful. Even when you understand that assertiveness is acceptable, it might not feel acceptable to you.
6. Examine The Truth.
Most of the time, the powerful feelings we have around being assertive have little basis in reality. When you shine the spotlight of truth on these feelings, you can diminish them and remove some of the mental roadblocks keeping you from speaking up. For example, you might fear speaking up because you could get rejected.
7. Define What You Want.
Determine a situation in which you’d like to speak up, set boundaries, or ask for what you want. Don’t be ambiguous with it. Be able to state in one clear sentence what you want to communicate. Eg: I want you to stop looking at the computer when I’m talking to you.
8. Know What To Expect.
If all you had to do was make the statement, and you’d get a positive response immediately, then being assertive wouldn’t be so intimidating. But that it’s not so easy. People can get mad, argue with you, put you down, or reject you. It can be distressing and painful to have these encounters.
9. Initiate Dialog.
You have some relationships in which the other person deserves being informed about your new, more assertive frame of mind. If you’ve spent years acquiescing to others or holding back on your ideas or opinions, then your sudden new behaviors or statements can be disconcerting.
10. Pick Your Battles.
You don’t have to be assertive 100% of the time. As you practice saying what you mean and asking for what you want, you’ll gain more clarity around your core values and personal boundaries. All relationships involve a certain amount of give and take, as well as the ability to be discerning about timing and setting.
